1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male


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I'm sure i'll eventually find a good teacher to help me ease into this. Thanks again for the post, the questions will definitely help me weed out the crazys: Thank you for this post! I am 40 and though I have always considered myself very self aware it was only last year that I finally came to grips with the fact that succeeding in a vanilla relationship was going to be impossible for me.


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One major catalyst was when my vanilla fiance lost his job and essentially shut down communication at the same time that he began relying on me for all of his direction and motivation and generally acting like a lost, unbalanced beta. I felt disgusted and deceived since he had presented himself since the beginning as a strong Alpha male, protector, provider type and was now showing that this representation had been far from honest though in hind sight I see now that there had been signs from the beginning that I just didn't recognize.

Fast forward to present: This January I met a Dom on OKCupid and after a very confusing for me two month romance where we both became quite serious I broke it off. I wish I had found your blog before I met him. There is a possibility of this Dom and I rekindling our relationship down the road. Whether that happens or not, I have concerns about what went wrong because of my inexperience.

I would be most grateful if you would consider allowing me to email you with more details to see if you might have any helpful insight. In any case, just being able to tell someone about it would be a great relief. Yes, do feel free to email questions, and I'll reply as time permits!

Self Control and Safety as a Dominant

My email address is in the sidebar. I am 37 years old and have been married for 19 yrs. My husband was my highschool sweatheart and is the only man I have ever known. Our son is now grown and very recently out of the house. I have always been quiet and I do not like arguing or confrontation, I do not nor have i ever had a low self asteem. I have always been confident in who I am and had a healthy sense of self worth.

When i was younger the thoght of the word submission was just wrong! So to say I'm confused Over the years there has always been small issues in the bed room. His complaints always being the same I don't take charge. Im not aggressive enough In the last several years I have went through a variety of self discoveries.

The ones I always find myself struggling with are sexual. I have talked to friends, however all are as simple and for the lack of a better word as boring as myself. Obviously they are no help. I have more or less stumbled onto the whole BDSM verrry recently. Its my reaction to things I've read that has me reaching out I would so greatly appreciate any insight.

This is the first place I have come across that someone is taking the time to actually respond to questions and comments, with a purpose of helping women protect themselves. So for that thank you. Thank you so much for this blog. It is really helping me to understand the lifestyle of bdsm. I have been very interested in this for about 10 years not, but didn't know how to go about getting information or seeing just where I fit in.

Now I have a better understanding of me and the life. I am in a vanilla relationship, have tried to go a little into bdsm, but my partner is not having it at all. I have always been afraid of how to meet people with this lifestyle, because I was also told this is such a taboo and that real people don't do this. Yes, I am one of those that was very happy when 50 shades came out, it made me feel not so isolated.

Sue, you ask, "I would so greatly appreciate any insight. Thank you, for posting this. Reading this has opened up my eyes and my mind. I am now just coming to understand what has been missing in my relationships and what I want in the future. It is a little scary to admit that I like being submissive, when in the past I have always been the one that has had to be in control of everything. Please keep up the blogs. I really do think it helps people trying to figure out if this right for them. Hello, and thank you for putting this topic out here.

Im 25 and I'm still a virgin. I'm not the typical women. Um the bdsm "world" is what I wanna be in, but I have been told that I would never fit. I want to know if this is true. And if so why would any of that really matter? Rosa, apologies for the delayed response. You've really answered your own question; why would virginity or weight prevent you from fitting in with other kinky people?

Kinksters look like the rest of the population; they come in all sizes, ages, amounts of experience, etc. Whoever told you that you wouldn't fit either didn't know much about kinky people, or was being unkind. Some BDSM enthusiasts do prefer to play with people who have prior experience, but there are a lot of kindly kinksters who enjoy sharing their kinks with newbies. As for being a virgin, I suggest you don't share that fact with someone until you get to know and trust them, as there are sadly a lot of players and abusers who seek inexperienced subs to exploit, and so claim to be dominant.

Please Sir, i am really new to this, and i broke one of the above stated rules. The first and only Dom i talked to, in our second mail conversation asked me to call him Sir or Master. He didn't apologise, not in those exact words. But today in our third conversation he described what he expects from me, and given how new i am to all this that really upset me.

Again i was honest about it. He amended by telling me that i where he want this to go. And then asked me to tel him if i want to continue and have that relationship. What should i do now? I find this to be to early for me. Just not now, so early. What i would like is a mentor, and friends with who i can share this newly discovered me.

AeonRoaSofia, your instincts seem to be good! There's no harm in exchanging visions about the kind of relationship each desires, so you know that you have compatible intentions. But placing demands or expectations on someone you hardly know and have never met is just foolish, or even manipulative. For a mentor, find someone more experienced in the role you aspire to, another submissive woman in your case.

And for friends, only get to know folks who are genuinely interested in getting to know you. I just met someone myself I would like to email u the convo for ur thoughts I met him my job and he is soooo much younger then me but im sooo turned on by him I'm not sure you'll find a reassuring description of "the difference between freak and sub" — any number of kinky people embrace the term "freak": More importantly, you should pick a kink partner who cares about your well-being and is sensitive to where you are in the moment. I wish I had read this before reaching out to any doms.

I felt unafraid and ignorant of the consequences of getting tangled up with the wrong dom. I'll keep the sordid story to myself. This is my first time knowing there's a whole lot of community immersing into this kind of lifestyle.. I know i'm too ignorant about the truths behind this. I'm afraid that a plain relationship will bore me out. My last relationship ended 3 years ago.

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Submissive slaves first training session, anal and fingering

Till now i dont feel any attraction to any girls i'm bisexual or a guy i still find myself lured to some men. It confuses me when my body craves the rough kind over the sweet lovemaking. Is it wrong to feel this unknown dark desires? I feel like i wont ever find my match. Sometimes i just get off reading bdsm erotic fictions and fantsize that its me doing all those things. I know its pathetic. I dont know what to do: Hello and am I ever glad I found this blogg!

I have a question that has been bothering me about a recent ecounter. Life story aside, I am fairly new to the sex scene in general, and have always been intrigued by the lifestyle but never really considered myself a sub definitely not a dom! I have done some research and whatnot so while I'm most definitely a newbie, I'm also not completely ignorant.

However I am confused about an experience I've recently had. I met L online, talked to him for months before agreeing to dinner face to face. We had many similar interests and hobbies and got along great! In general he behaved like I imagined a Dom to but didn't mention it until he asked if I was a sub later that week. I said no but I was curious about the lifestyle so we discussed some basics, slept together again, then this last weekend we tried some non-vanilla activities and it was fun, to me at least. I crashed, then left in the morning for work. Because he said I should ask questions if I needed to, I asked if I had been any good at playing a sub.

Hours later I get "hey [my name], sorry I'm just not feeling it" and nothing else. I asked what the issue was, because I was fairly certain he enjoyed himself, and it was so sudden and out of the blue, but haven't gotten any replies. Did I get douped by a fake, in your opinion, or did I manage to put him off or what? I can handle him being a player but to just suddenly disappear after months of discussions and whatnot was more than a little confusing, especially after all the talking we did about me trying out being a sub. Well I'm afraid I'm no better at reading his mind than you are!

People disappear for all kinds of reasons; maybe he met someone else, rekindled an old flame, or liked you so much that it scared him. And yes, some players have figured out that they can take advantage of newbie subs by claiming to be dominant. All you can really do is interview someone as discussed above as you get to know them, and try to spot any red flags before you run into a flagpole: How do I know which dom to chose from?

BDSM: Things You Need to Know: How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect

I am currently under review by one but then another has come along.. I have never had a sub dom relationship before.. The original dom has a temporary sub atm! That, of course, takes time. Being "under consideration" as it's commonly called is another term for "getting to know you". Some doms ask that you not talk with other doms while you're under said consideration, which is silly if you don't know the gent well enough to start going steady. As it can be a challenge to find a match in both vanilla and kink aspects, it's not uncommon for kinky people to have play partners, so that might account for the "temporary sub".

Hello Sir, where can I find your email?

Who is Will ?

But you are very experienced and I would like some advice from you! Thank you, Mary Clare. You can message me on Fetlife or email me at thejourneyofwill on gmail. I've shared it on my author FB page, because I think the word ought to get out. Possibly ALL relationships ought to be addressed in a similar manner! I had a terrible experience recently that I hope no one goes through. I have been looking for a link to chat honestly about bad experiences.


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  4. I am new to BDSM and have spent 4 months just learning as much as possible and being very cautious. I never tried anal sex and did little oral sex. I just realized I am a sub sexually but in the real world am not and have had a career. I always liked dressing sexy however and knew I had a strong sex drive. My first experience was this. I met the dom online and chatted for several weeks, asking many questions.

    I kept telling him most 1st meetings are just talking first. He said I can back out but said 'this is what you want right'? I was a virgin with anal sex and we did that. I have have since felt numb and sick to my stomach and have cried a lot. I was obviously not informed enough about how to proceed in the beginning. I have found your pages to be very helpful in answering a number of questions for me, Thank You!

    I am currently interested in finding a Daddy Dom but am still inexperienced. For the past couple of weeks I have been exchanging texts with someone that interests me greatly. We encountered each other online about a month ago and exchanged pictures and mails for a couple weeks before beginning to text. I am concerned about a number of things: These are mainly in regard to his identity.

    What are your thoughts? I really want to have a better understanding of the feelings this is invoking in me, as well as understanding things from his side. I often feel he has a road map and I do not. Thank You again for posting so much useful information! So very helpful - thank you. I am a newbie, well relatively new and appear to have done the classic fall into Gravity.

    However I've found it incredibly hard going from lots of contact, flirtaceous IM to intermittent sporadic IM. Just left me feeling used and flat. If they could before we met why not after? Felt very little emotional aftercare. I used these for interviewing a friend of mine last night, and he didn't seem at all upset. He gave me a small taste a few years back but neither of us had much experience with bdsm. My only question is how long you should wait after an interview before making a decision? Thank you so much for this article.

    I'm curious and have seen myself as a sub. Mostly researching and chatting online. Most of the men I've come across immediately start issuing commands. As someone unfamiliar with the lifestyle, I didn't know if this was normal. This article has helped me see the difference between real Doms and men pretending.

    Absolutely awesome so glad this page came up Met a Dom and we haven't gone out or anything yet. But he asked me if I knew bout lifestyle I've never had Dom yet but tried finding one and first one I talked to was out of control.. I have a question when you ask these questions and he passes them. Then you find out he is not one just a fake. Because he lies then what do you do. Or when you do find one.

    What Type of Men I like! Pt1- BDSM Talk- D/s- Dominant/submissive

    Everything is fine for a year then you find out almost everything about this person and he uses woman to buy him epensive stuff phones, tablets, computers and other things, and when he want to Put a collar on you he makes you buyou it. Hello, this post was so insightful - I very much enjoyed it. But now I have a lot of questions I'm so nervous and barely know what to say. A relationship like this sounds like something I would be interested in but I'm not sure and don't know if I should give it a try I think I am submissive but I'm also stubborn and believe very passionately in equal rights.

    This must seem like a mess of contradictions and I'm sorry. Perhaps they get panic attacks every now and then, and while they are eager to play, want to talk about what you can do if they start getting a panic attack in the middle of playtime. Or - more visibly - perhaps you have back pain you need to adjust for, or an old ankle injury.

    Other aspects of risk are included as well; with things like flogging, or hot wax, or rope, where pain and pleasure are blending together, it's very possible to forget that you are in fact causing harm for the sake of ecstasy. There's a line there can be crossed very very easily. Why Pain Makes Us Horny: Sexual risk is another factor included in the RACK system - from effects of prescribed antidepressants to risks like STIs or pregnancy.

    It's not like you cannot participate in kink, but any risk does need to be discussed and mitigated. How you discuss this, and what you decide to do, is up to you and your partner. Sometimes it's just a few words, sometimes it's a longer conversation and sometimes a continuing dialogue is needed. This ties in to the second point.

    Skills and limitation awareness seem like a no-brainer, but in my partner Lily's early days as a Dominant, she handled her tools awkwardly because she was afraid of them she had baggage surrounding bondage and gender roles. But once she unpacked her feelings about WHY she was handling her tools awkwardly, she became a much more capable Dominant. It also helped that she habitually makes certain to handle her tools herself first - feeling how the rope holds knots when tied to her arm or wrists first, for example - before applying untested rope to her partner during play.

    But we've seen prospective Dominants who think that all you need to be dominant is to shout at or threaten your partner, and have gear like chains or rope or a gag. We all have read about a certain trashy novel that suggested that chains and cable ties are a good thing. And an experienced Dom will know this. They will be familiar and comfortable with their toys and tools. They will observe their subs and act according to what makes them feel comfortable. Dominants may shout at their partners, certainly, but only within boundaries the partners set together.

    This goes for faults just as it applies to Dominants knowing what their skills and limitations are. Dominance contains all that too. Know thyself, the saying goes, and a Dominant should at least be on the journey to know themselves and what they want in order to best provide, give, and nurture their submissives. If you're interested in becoming a Dominant, you do not need to have all the answers, but you do need to be willing to explore where your baggage came from, and what you can do about it.

    You need to take responsibility for your own actions. Will you make mistakes? Yes, you're a human; people are going to make some mistakes along the way, sooner or later. That's part of gaining experience and leveling up. Now, this also means that if there are risk factors or hard limits you have, that you discuss them with your prospective partners as well. Just because you are a Dominant in a relationship does not mean your partner does not have agency or power.

    What would happen if you are sick? Do you want your partner to be able to look you in the eye and tell you something is wrong or that something you did or said bothers them? Does the submissive partner - if the submission is outside the bedroom as well - have the agency to make the choice to call after you, to send you a card, to pay any shared bills?

    If you are sick and cannot meet a play date, is there any protocol or ritual to deal with that? Is there a protocol that will help you and your partner feel secure? Does the submissive have the agency to leave you for another Dominant if your time with them is not to the benefit of both parties? The third key thing to keep in mind as a Dominant is to be aware that people are all different. Even if there are two Dominants using similar tools say, both use flogging who come from similar backgrounds, they are still two distinct people.

    There are many types of dominance and submission play, and Dominants also have different flavors, even if the tools they use are the same.

    What bothers one may not bother another. What may be one person's hard limit may be a non-issue to someone else, and so on. What that means is that you need to start at ground zero with communication and introspection for each and every partner you play with. One example of variation is what the Dominant is called and what language they might use.

    Some Dominants prefer the use of particular terminology to address them, and the terminology itself may have particular meaning. For example, a Dominant partner may insist on being called "Sir" - and with the first letter capitalized to symbolically represent the power dynamic when in scene or discussing a scene. Another Dominant may be simply "Jane," while another Dominant will not use their given name at all during a scene but instead a title.

    Feel "Sir" is too masculine for you and want to go by "Ser" instead? Really like how being called "Your Majesty" makes you feel? Don't want to use an honorific at all? Be your awesome self. This goes for tools too. Just because a Dominant might use one particular tool does not mean every dominant who uses that tool takes the same approach. For example, both of us Lily and Alexis use rope. But when Lily dominates, she prefers to use more aesthetically pleasing ties and acts stern, but loving and gentle.

    When I dominate, well, let's just say that there's something more primal there. The key thing is, we're both on the same page, we've communicated about what works for each of us, and we've learned how to treat each other in scenes. Being a Dominant is an evolving thing. It involves ongoing communication, reflection and adjustment. Save on the sexiest treats this festive season. Order by December 21st for Christmas delivery. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. How to Be a Dominant.

    1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male 1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male
    1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male 1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male
    1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male 1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male
    1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male 1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male
    1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male 1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male
    1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male 1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male
    1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male 1st Meeting -- BDSM Dominant Female / Submissive Male

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